Solitude…

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I thought that this week would be difficult.  While I do like my alone time, nine days of it sounded almost like torture.  But as the time comes to a close (come Sunday)-I am almost disappointed.  I’ve enjoyed the quiet solitude these past few days.  I’ve enjoyed the freedom of coming and going as I pleased…and choosing NOT to go anywhere as I did today.  I enjoyed having control of the television and not having my mind poisoned nightly by hearing snatches of “The O’Reilly Factor“.  I’ve enjoyed the countless hours of being able to just lay on the couch and read.

Probably the best part of this week was the countless hours it gave me to think.

I thought about my job.

I thought about my family.

I thought about romance.

I thought about writing.

My Job

For the past few weeks, my job has been at the forefront of my mind.  I hate that.  I hate that I’ve allowed myself to walk into a situation where I do not feel comfortable, secure or safe.  I hate that at times I feel completely powerless.  I’m trying my hardest to get myself out of the situation-and I thought that I had nearly succeeded-but on Tuesday I was proven wrong.  I need a new job, and I need it fast.

One thing that I will say about my job is this-I do like the work that I am doing.  I very much enjoy spending time with the residents that I care for.  They give me so much joy, and it absolutely kills me that something that gives me pleasure-also gives me unbearable pain.

My Family

I have been calling home on a daily basis-while my calls are-on average-10 minutes or so-it seems that I say so much more to my parents than I have when I saw them on a daily basis.  For the first time I’m finally beginning to open up to them.  I like the relationship I have with them.

My dad is beginning to encourage me to consider moving back home.  I’m really tempted by the offer-it seems so easy to just go home to the safety of my parents.  To have my dogs around again.  To be near my friends.  At the same time though, I don’t want to go home.  I’m even hesitant to go home to visit.  I feel as though I need to work things out on my own, to find my own place.  I also worry that if I move home, I will lose the open communication that I’m developing with my parents and I will wind up going back to the moody person who hid in her room all day.  I don’t want that.

Romance

I’ve finally decided that I am ready to start a relationship with someone.  For the longest time I was holding myself back-thanks to failed relationships that left me battered and scarred-but I am completely ready for a fresh start.

I once again put a profile up on a dating site.  I have only gotten one promising response-but I can’t help but wonder if this could possibly work out.  We’ve had several promising phone conversations over the last week or so and I’m excited to possibly go out on a date with him…if the opportunity arises.  I can’t help but feel apprehensive though.  These past few days he’s been quiet and our conversations have been all too brief.  I worry that things might be over before they have even had a chance to start.  I’m trying to hold on to some hope though, that perhaps he has really been busy-and I will hear from him soon-with an invitation to get a bite to eat, or to see a movie, or even just a walk down by the river.  I’m not too picky.

Writing

You may have noticed that I have been fairly quiet lately.  Over the last few days I have been contemplating the future of this blog and my writing in general.  I still have a passion for writing, I love it.  Lately though, the inspiration for writing just has not been there.  I was so sure that moving out of my comfort zone would give me a release for my creativity-that once I moved I would be churning out stories and articles left and right.  Since I moved here however, I have not found the inspiration at all to write.  I still talk about wanting to write and to be a writer, but I haven’t made a lot of physical effort to make that happen.  Partially it might be that I’m kind of scared to apply for school.  I’m scared that I will apply-but not get accepted.  It’s kind of silly but I’m worried about it.  I also don’t know if I can commit myself to getting a second Bachelors degree-this time only going part time.  Will I just get discouraged at the slowness of it after a short period of time?

I really wish that I could just do some writing classes online.  Nothing too formal, just something to get me into a comfort zone with my writing before I commit myself to a degree in writing.  If anyone has experience going this route and is willing to share, I would really appreciate it.  I have the confidence in my writing, but I lack direction and guidance which I definitely need.

I have so much going on inside my brain-it’s a wonder it doesn’t just explode or something.  It’s a relief to see everything written down though.  For one thing, it gives me confidence that I haven’t completely lost my writing groove (or passion).  It makes me aware of the things that I need to work on and gives me a sense of accountability.

Like I mentioned before, I am contemplating the future of this blog.  I’m not quite sure if I’m quite as willing to use this blog as an outlet to talk about myself and my personal life.  There’s a few options that I’m throwing around.  I could make this blog completely private.  I could shift my focus and work on a more “generic” type blog which fits in with the topic of “Quarter-Life”.  I could completely give up this blog (which, I don’t want to consider).  I’m just not sure at this point.  Time will tell I suppose.

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