10 tips to avoid car theft

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1.  Drive a Kia.  No one wants a Kia.

2.  Never ever wash your car.  If your car needs a paint job, resist the urge.  The name of the game is unappealibility.

3.  Never clean the inside of your car.  If you can stand it, put something truly disgusting inside.

4.  If you can’t stand mess, find a dead dog at the side of road and take it to a taxidermist.  The scarier looking dog the better (think big).  Since most car thefts happen in the dead of the night, no one will be able to tell that it is in fact a stuffed dead dog.  You might want to consider recording a real dog barking and keep it on loop.

5.  Masking tape is your best friend.  Before leaving your car, make sure that every inch of the steering wheel is wrapped.  Hell, don’t stop there…wrap the entire drivers console.

6.  Before turning off your car, turn up the volume of the radio as high as it will go.  Make sure there’s something entirely annoying (suggestions: any repetitive techno, avant garde, or Celine Dion’s greatest hits).  Theft alarms are well and good, but lets face it…many go off everytime the wind blows so everyone pretty much ignores them.  No one however will ignore the sound of Celine Dion wailing away at full volume at 3am.  You can be sure a friendly neighbor will have the cops on the phone within 2.3 seconds.

7.  Remove your tires.  Very simple.  Yes, people will probably stare at you in the parking lot of Walmart, but just tell them you have to have to have them replaced and don’t know what size to get.  It’s Walmart, they won’t question you.

8.  If you do not know how to remove the tires, surround them with nails.  Just remember to remove them before you attempt to drive away.

9.   Leave just a tiny smidgen of gas in your tank…preferably just enough to get out of your driveway before it runs out of gas.

10.  Put as many rifle association bumper stickers as you can possibly fit on your car.

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