As part of my third resolution for the New Year, I have reintroduced myself to the world of internet dating sites. So far I have not had much luck. I have attempted to put myself out and introduce myself to some guys, but so far, no sparks have occurred.
Instead of giving up and feeling frustrated as I would have in the past, I am trying to understand my short comings. After much thought I’m starting to suspect that the problem is that I’m cutting myself off from a large majority of the eligible bachelors on the website…the ones with kids.
I’m not exactly sure why I have been ignoring this group. Perhaps I’m worried that dating a person with kids will add extra stress to the relationship. Perhaps I don’t feel “adult” enough to possibly become a substitute mother to some kid. I know it’s not because I dislike kids, because I do like kids…if I didn’t like kids, I wouldn’t have spent the last seven years of my life working with kids in some form or other.
At the same time though, I just never felt that urge to be a mother. I never wanted to have that incredible responsibility, or felt that I had that mothering instinct that would make me a good mother. Perhaps it’s weird, I don’t know too many other women (or men) who just don’t want to be parents.
Because of my apprehensions when it comes to kids, I have been avoiding talking to any guys who already have kids…when I click on a profile and it seems like we might get along…the moment I see that he has kids just causes me to click the “back” button even before sending a message to say hello. The problem of doing this, is I’m cutting myself off from a good number of guys…possibly even the majority of single guys on the website. See, in the county I live in, the teenage pregnancy rate is very high…highest in the state. I doubt that the number of unmarried adults having children is much smaller.
Reevaluation seems to be my only option at the point. I really have to wonder if finding a single, childless guy is the most important thing…or if I could live with being in a relationship with someone with a child and everything that would entail. It would be a lot more complicated, but at the same time, perhaps it’s a situation that I can accept and maybe even enjoy. Maybe I’ve been so hesitant because I have no experience in this type of situation.
10 Comments
January 7, 2008 at 9:06 pm
I think you should look for a guy you like and would enjoy spending time with. If it is meant to be everything else will fall into place, even your role in his children’s lives, if that is a part of who he is.
January 7, 2008 at 11:34 pm
I think QuillDancer is right. Also don’t worry too much about the compatible thing. My husband likes the outdoors, fishing, hockey, etc. I like all things opposite, we couldn’t be more opposite in our tastes, but we get on like a house on fire because we like each other.
January 8, 2008 at 12:33 am
I don’t know about the whole ‘child’ thing. I LOVE children, but I have always felt that it adds extra “baggage” to the relationship.
However, I don’t think that you should write a guy off, just because he has a child.
January 8, 2008 at 2:03 am
well I would have to agree with the rest….also, even if they say they have kids….do the kids live with him full time or part time….there could be all sorts of variables….at least he is being honest and letting you know he has kids…..I think exploring all options is a good idea…and at the end of the day….go with your gut…good luck
January 8, 2008 at 10:18 am
I’ve never done the internet dating thing, but otherwise, I am in total agreement. Kids always scare me away. I don’t want to be a parent, but it makes me sad that I’m ignoring some potentially really great guys because of it. But it seems like an issue I’m not really ready to compromise on.
January 8, 2008 at 11:50 am
Dating men with kids is hard, I’ve found, but not because of the kids. Because of the ex-wives. When a couple has a child together, there’s always a connection between them — childhood, high school, graduations, wedding, baptisms … I know that’s as it should be. But it always made me uncomfortable, having to hear about and from the ex.
I’m saying I understand your apprehension, but not that you should follow my lead. A man with kids could very well be sensitive, imaginative, and really great for you.
January 8, 2008 at 1:00 pm
Well, here’s my $.02:
If you’re not comfortable dating a guy with kids don’t push the issue. There is no point in getting emotionally involved with someone (if you’re looking for more than a brief fling) if you’re not willing or wanting to adjust your lifestyle accordingly. You can’t just date a person who has children, you’ll be dating his kids too. I know that sounds odd, but yeah, if you have children, they take up most of your life.
Don’t push yourself into a situation in which you do not think you will feel comfortable just because you think it’s slim pickings out there. There are still plenty of guys out there who are unattached and don’t have parental responsibilities.
January 8, 2008 at 5:45 pm
I don’t think that I would necessarily completely ignore the guys with children, but at the same time I would be extra cautious. Like it or not, children bring a lot of baggage to any relationship…so go in prepared.
However, I do have a suggestion – try and meet men in other places besides the internet. I have dated guys I originally met online, and it never turned out so great. Are there any organizations you can join, volunteer groups, etc? I would try and meet people outside of the internet too, you may find more men who meet your standards.
Hope that helps!
January 8, 2008 at 6:03 pm
I like kids and I want to be a mother… one day. Not now. So I understand, I wouldn’t have dated guys with kids.
January 13, 2008 at 1:51 pm
I agree with The Gal Herself, even tho’ I am a divorced Mom w/kids, I am not thrilled about dealing with my SO’s kids and especially ex-w. She truly doesn’t cause us much trouble on a day-to-day level but still, I admit to being a jealous b**ch at times and hate that she is, and always will be, a part of our lives. That sounds hateful but, hey, I’m honest.
And, yes, the kids do add a *lot* of stress to our relationship. If this man wasn’t the absolute love of my life I wouldn’t go through it. If I ever find myself “single” again I’ll go for the childless ones or those whose kids are grown. Yeah, even if that means they are older.